Rules.. Rules.. Stupid Rules…!!

Hello everyone .. the weekend is here ( where I live, Thursday is like Friday for the rest of the world) and I hardly made it to work today, thank God, but mom just called me and I think I should leave work in few and pass by home, see her cause I didn’t see her for almost a week.. but I moved out of home as I mentioned before few months ago but you know mom, she hates to face reality but loves living in denial and believing a lie she made up and kept on repeating to everyone till she herself believed it !! I went home few days ago and I didn’t even see her.. I arrived while they (my mom and sisters) were having lunch .. I walked in the house and greeted them.. walked up the stairs to my apartment as I repeated: No thanks, I’m not hungry – to mom who was calling me up to join them on the table. I went to my room and it was around 4 pm maybe and stayed there till the next morning when I left again _ pretty early actually around 6am since I stayed up all night and got breakfast and went to my new place which I am sharing with my gf in the city. Mom keeps on asking me why am moving out cause my father – may her rest in peace- build up this new house for us all to live in and provided us with a big space for us to be comfortable in and at the same time have our privacy.. and since I am not the eldest but in the house some of my sisters got married and moved out while there is one sister older than me and the rest are younger in age and so dad provided for us me and my older sister a floor which consists of two apartments one for her and one for me and each got three master bedrooms, kitchen , and living room.. my sister’s apartment is where the family gather yet mine is usually empty cause I am always in my room and if I left it .. I would go to the kitchen to get me something and return back .. I enjoy my privacy and my sisters do come and visit me along with mom sometimes but not on daily basis like my older sister that’s why I am always on my own and if I want to see my family then I would go to the other living room where everyone is staying .. mom is always there or out visiting her family and friends, the only time I can see her and talk to her in private will be at dawn when she wakes up for the prayer, otherwise she is surrounded by my sisters all the time and esp the older one who likes to control everything and get her nose into everyone’s business while she keeps her life private and no one would interfere with her life or say anything about it cause of course mom is always on her side and would consult her and ask her opinion about everything in the house as if it was she is our mother not mom!!! whatever I happen to tell her things about me thinking I can trust her to keep them to herself and not share it with anyone the way she does with my other sister, she would disappoint me and would finish talking to me and call her up to tell her everything !!! But when she does something or plans something no one will ever know of it until it happens .. like if she wants to travel we will know about it when she is gone, or if she bought a new car … she would tell no one fearing envy and shit and I end up finding out that she did get a new ride when I see a new car parked in our house for days .. when I ask about it they tell me that she bought it .. but when I tell mom anything, and repeatedly ask her not to tell anyone about it till I do it .. the first thing she does is to tell my sister ignoring my will and thinking that her opinion is vital as if she is in charge of my life when she is one year older than I am .. and honestly this thing really annoys me and gets on my nerves for she would speak up loudly about me and the things she hates and disapprove of in front of my little sisters or strangers .. not giving a damn that these are personal matters and it is always the shitty stuff that she would talk publicly about .. making my little sisters look down at me and seeing me in this fucked up image (we disagree on many things and just can not understand one another cause she is very traditional and likes it this way .. just like the rest of my sisters, while me .. I am the black sheep in the family and was raised by different maids and then when I opened my eyes to the real world .. I fallowed my intuition rather than having anyone around to talk to me and be patient with me to help me understand life or people.. you see dad was alcoholic back then and sobered up 10 years before his tragic death which was caused by failure in the liver functions.. I am daddy’s girl but by the time he sobered up I was already old and had formed my own ideas and believes which made him deal with me accordingly .. However mom is not an open minded person and she is a nice woman and all .. yet very strict when it comes to sticking to stupid traditions and worrying mostly about people and what will they say than me and what is it that I want or need.. discussion with her is always an argument in which she can answer all my questions with the same repeated answers: what will people say? it is forbidden cause it is forbidden and don’t ask why!! You can’t do this cause of what people are going to say about you… you can not do this cause it is Haram.. it is Haram and this is the end of it !!!
These were her answers to me when I was a kid and full of curiosity .. and as a teenager such answers made me rebel and just refuse to do what the society wanted me to do … copying what our grandparents and great grandparents used to do ages ago .. we live in different time now and people evolve and develop and not just repeat and imitate what the rest are doing without conviction or understanding .. But most of the people here do that to avoid the fucking gossip and talk cause I live in a small country where the population is less than 2 million and the number of foreigners is even higher than the locals themselves.. so all families know each other and are related as well.. and men and woman have nothing better to do than to gather separately .. women with women and men with men .. sober drinking tea and Arabic coffee ..eating food .. this is their main joy .. even the country is full of restaurants, cafes, and malls.. this is the kind of fun they have, by starring rudely at others and making fun of people to just have a laugh cause they are pathetic and have no life and full of jealousy so they gather and make fun of this and that to pass the day .. cruise in their expensive cars which that they can not afford but get them to impress others.. spending a lot of money on their appearances to make others jealous.. even the poor here will drive a Mercedes Benz and pay monthly half of their salary in order to impress others, and when you see where they live, you will be shocked by the poverty their family suffer from.. but they do this because here when you have money or come from a good family, people look at you differently and treat you with great respect even if you were an asshole and full of shit .. money is everything and these are the kind of issues me and my family do not agree on, dad (may he rest in peace) was the only one who truly understood me and helped me by the time he got himself clean to understand some things but still I have to admit that I am a stubborn person and would only do what I am convinced of.. I just refuse to live my life following the fucking herd like a fucking mule without understanding why am I doing that or what is the purpose of it .. but I do keep an open mind and have no problem with accepting new ideas and I am also wiling to change my perspective of things if someone were to convince me otherwise .. I guess my family don’t really have the patience to answer my stupid questions and like to think of me as mental cause I do what I feel is right and hate to follow the stupid rules .. this is my main problem.. I know that rules are made up for a reason and I can not live my life according to my own judgment of things but at the same time I can not do something that I am not convinced of .. Kill me then God damn it .. I would do things to win God’s approval and not the people .. fuck the people and fuck what they think of me if they were to judge me by my looks and without even knowing me .. appearances are most decieving but here .. appearances are everything and people just pass their judgment here and there just by looking at the person and without any idea about the person’s character or quality … So one of the stupid rules that my society believe in is that both men and women should stay home and only leave to move in with his wife/her husband’s house ..no matter how old they get .. they would not leave their parents home unless they get married!! we are forced to stay home and of course to live under their roof means to follow their rules and this is why I moved out with my gf who happened to have the same problems with her family .. that day mom was nagging and calling me daily asking me to come home .. for what ??? she didnt want anything nor cared to even come and see me or talk to me .. when I was living there I would sometimes fall asleep for the whole day and no one would notice me missing or even check on me and see if I am alive or dead ..and above that .. mom hates my friends and wouldn’t let me have them over .. well I sneak them in lol but come on I am not a kid and don’t really interfere with her life nor my sisters but when it comes to me cause I am gay and a recovering addict .. all eyes on me (as tupac says) they hate my friends and if I am late mom would call me up and shout from the top of her lungs as if I did a crime .. what the fuck?? so I decided to move out and have my freedom .. I am over 25 years old and was thinking that I should just leave this country and live happily away from this sick society but I can not do this right now and at the same time I can not take living there with people who do not give a damn about me.. in a big fucking house so empty and no one bothers to even ask about me .. my staying there is only for show .. and to make mom comfortable knowing that I am home and in my bedroom so that she wouldnt have to worry about anything .. I tried to tolerate it but damn it we live but once and I will not live with those who don’t really give a damn about me .. look down on me.. and just allowing me to stay there cause they don’t want the people to talk and say that thier daughter is living on her own !!!
Now I am living with my gf and I really like it .. but I have to go home now and see mom cause she just called me up and I didnt answer her call but I know why she is calling .. so I will pass by to say HI and leave later on to see my gf .. well I’ll check you out later .. take care everyone and have a wonderful weekend xoxo

Love In the Air…

   Nowadays true love is hard to find.. I personally reached a point in my life  when I started to believe that true love doesn’t exist in the heart of man.. And maybe what I’m saying is true to some point.. Cause in this age where everything can be  bought and sold  where everything has its price and nothing is for free..  And nothing is supposed to be for free..  There must be a price to pay for everything cause this is how things are supposed to be..  The world now is materialistic and money runs the show and controls everything..  Now.. Everything is done as a deal..  Business deal.. Even marriage and partnership..  Most of them are..  Men want one main thing from women and are willing to do everything to get it..  Women on the other hand want to be settled and well provided for..  They would love whoever their hearts may choose but will only marry one who will provide for them a better life and easy.. Luxurious living which  they can brag about and depend on to save her from their miserable lives at home and  take them away to a new place to a new life far away different than the one they have experienced in their youth…  Most women look at marriage in this view but there are others who would work on their own to improve their lives and make their own living.. Working hard.. Independent and feel that the existence of a man in her life is unnecessary to make it better..  Because in this time men and women are no longer different and noone  is better than the other.. We are equal and women do not need a man to make her feel fillfulled or happy.
     I looked for love since an early age cause I come from a big family and to my parents I was just another number in the house.. Especially since I was the quite type of kid who expected them to come for me and didn’t want to bother them with my own shit nor felt that they would understand me or help me understand anything.. Cause from where I come from.. Stupid old traditions are still important and people respect  and do them without questioning..  Just like in any small society all what parents care about is what will others say.. And they would rather live in a lie pretending to be someone they are not just to avoid  gossip and ruining their reputation..  So they live here like saints but when they travel.. They would be themselves and do all the things they want to do  .. But when they are here and among the people.. They would put on the mask and avoid getting the wrong kind of attention.. And they think it’s OK.. They live a double life where here they are part of the society and do what is expected of them to do.. But during vacations.. They can give themselves a break and be what they are without pretence or act…
I hate doing that and take it to be hypocrisy.. Because I refuse to live my life to please others.. And this is mainly why I do not get along with the rest of the people and feel like a freak among them..  But Fuck it.. I would not waste my life and live it to please others or expect their approval and acceptance…
As I said I learned things the hard way.. Taught myself everything and had noone who spared me his or Jerrine to teach me about the way of the world.. So I learned it myself and the more failure and heartache.. The more I learned and was able to understand the reailty of things and of people..
People disappointed me the most.. As lovers or friends that I reached a point when I lost hope in love and unconditional love.. But I also learned something.. That what you give is what you get..  And if you intend  well  or whatever you keep on mind and look for..  You will find..  Believe in love.. And look for it.. And you will find it.. It’s there and can be found but you have to have good intentions and know what you want and looking for.. And in the right time.. What you are looking for will come to you  and fill  your heart with what you need or looking for…
Believe in love…

Are You Unforgiven too?? Let me know ;)

Speak the words I wanna hear to make my demons run …
The door is closed now but will open if you are true..
If you can understand me .. then I will understand you ,,

What I hear, what I know, turn the pages turn the storm behind the door .. SHALL I OPEN IT FOR YOU??

Enjoy it my beautiful friends x0x0

I’m Back…Finally!!

Well I was receiving all these emails from the ppl I was following when they posted new stuff but was unable to acess my blog for a while now and I finally figured out what was the problem.. damn it is soo stupid but I was writing the wrong email when trying to check my blog!!!!
A dot made all this difference!!
I realized that I was entering the wrong email when signing in forgetting a (.) Made it impossible for me to check my blog or comments or like others posts !!! But thanks to one of the ppl I am following. . Pouring my art /reading his post today made me wanti to get to my blog and yessss …here I am ..all this time I was using the wrong email address in signing up for myblog in here… Amazing. .I’m so happy to be able to come here again and post stuff ..I miss my blog .. well I hope to see you guys more now than before… and forgive my stupidity! !!

Time Is All We Have ..

I’m the kind of person who rarely wears a watch, or be where I am suppose to be in the appointed time. I spend couple of years after I got my BA at home living like a bum, doing nothing just wasted and in la la land.. the awareness of time never really mattered to me and I have to admit that being wasted all day every day made me lose track of time .. I would plan to do something and it will take me so much time to plan first and then do the first step .. then I would get wasted and leave it aside to come back to it after couple of months and by the time I am finally done with a single thing, a year would have passed whereas for normal people who would check on their work and be there on their appointments, the same work they would probably finish it in less than three months. But when you are an addict, you can not move without your fix which means that daily before I can go and do my thing and deal with people, I should be fixed and not in withdrawals damn it.. and since I was unemployed the money was tight and my family won’t help me with more than what I needed, not wanting support and help me get fixed which made things worse cause I couldn’t move unless I am high and my family, esp mom didn’t want that.. She knew if I were to be employed in this state. I will be ruining my reputation at my new working place and eventually be kicked out just like any addict and that’s why she was trying to convince me that I don’t really have to work because I cant work in this state.. that I should get myself fixed up first before starting any movement and applying to any job.
You see, I am not the typical kind of juntake ou meet and expect to be.. I was tricked into it and used Heroin without even knowing what it was because I was hanging around with the wrong crowd who saw me as an easy target to take advantage of and get me addictive in order to provide them with money and H since I had my connections and before using was very active and ambitious .. I took my classes in the morning and worked as a part time employer in the Radio station here in my country.. I even applied and got the job myself without anyone’s help .. a thing we do not do in my country where everything is done by relatives and friends recommendations.. You need to know someone to hook you up but this didn’t stop me and you know when you put your mind into something you do it and so I did it but the problem is that there where I met many artist and musicians and you know how it is .. I was young and got mixed up with the wrong crowd.. you know how the story goes …
Now a year almost after I did as my mother adviced me and proved how serious I am I gotta tell you it feels like I was lost in the Arabian desert for years .. like that movie for Tom Hanks when the plain crashed and they all thought him dead and he survived in a fucked up way .. I was living like him when I was using and out of work the way he was living in the deserted island and suddenly I was found and got a ride and now I am crusing in this beautiful sports car with a beautiful woman next to me driving me back home , and I have changed 180 degrees now than what I used to be … and it brings me great joy to know that I have finally found my way back and started living again… this whole experience taught me that time must not be taken for granted.. time is so important and it is passing us by as we get older and if you let things go the way I did and let others run your life you will end up reborn again but a bit later than the rest your friends who hardly passed college while I graduated with a high GPA but what’s the point, those years I spent tripping in my bed and sleeping they gained more experience and went a way more advanced level than the one I am in now.. but I try not to think about the past casue it is over and I can not do anything about it .. so now is the time that will shape my future and it is better to move and be in the place I am now than to stay in that desert and go in circles for the rest of my life ..
what mostly scared me honestly is the death of my friends.. most of my friends passed away and when I think about it I don’t think it is time for me yet to leave this place .. there is so much to do and see .. I didn’t even travel for years, or had a normal relationship with friends or lovers cause mostly they were based on drugs and you know how ugly this can be.. when you are using you don’t love anyone but the shit and you are willing to do anytbing to get your fix and I wasted so much time with the wrong people who were only there for the shit and when I didn’t have money or shit no one would bother to ask about me and I was sick and tired of that.. this world that I was in was so ugly and cruel and I am so happy to be out of it and starting a new life .. never say never .. and never is too late ..